the other day, but my app crashed and I lost it, which is lame.

Nothing is going on, I'm just furious all the time, which has to stop. It's my writing work that's mostly pissing me off. The guy I do most of my work for is an irresponsible ass who doesn't help at ALL, and blames his staff when he fucks up. It's not cool. Plus, he owes me a LOT of money at this point, and that always enrages a person. I get just about no joy out of the writing work. Just the pay, which, you know, is fine and all, I suppose. It would probably be asking too much to get paid well AND enjoy it, but it would be nice.

I just did another photo gig. I like that because no matter how lame the gig is, I can always squeeze in one or two shots that I like just for me as a souvenir. Plus, support for the idea that buying the camera wasn't an idiotic thing to do is really nice. My camera has done a good deal of earning in the past couple of months. It's making it ok to get the couple of lenses I got this week, half of which were paid for by my mom so I can use them at noodle's wedding. Well, not paid for, we're just deducting it from future debts. Jew math, you know.

the wedding is soon. a couple of weeks. on a good note, the dress i got looks really nice, even if my haircut looks retarded with a vintage dress. i don't care. i'm just going to have the edgy hipster hair with a vintage dress. i don't think the fashion police will be there.
i really need to make a concerted effort to not feel so inferior around my sister. it makes every interaction seriously fucking awkward. i'm always so concerned about appearing uncool that i'm just weird and uncomfortable and it's not helping. it's also, i'm aware, not normal. last night i realized that no matter how uncool i actually am, she's still my sister and she can't *really* dump me, at least as long as my folks are alive. she'll have to encounter me periodically. i know this sounds insane. i can't help it.
i don't know. i'm just going to try to be comfortable and me. if i'm uncool, so be it. i'm 34 years old and i'm not changing at this point. she's 24. i'm really really hoping that when she hits 25 she undergoes the magical change that i did and she suddenly becomes more mellow, less judgy, less caring about lots of superficial things that make other people feel "out." i know, that doesn't sound like me, but BEFORE i was 25? oy.

tomorrow is stabbing, again. we tried last week and it failed. i knew it would. i had zero faith that we'd get a vein. tomorrow we have to though. i can't be too late during flu season when i'm going to be in a huge room filled with strangers. it's not ok.
my mom had better not start in with how amazingly thin noodle is. now that i know it's a combo of puking and starving between eating normally, i don't want to hear that shit. considering she does that, and our family's genetics, i look pretty fucking awesome.

fred is in my way right now and doesn't care. fred remains the bomb.

i need to start the construction on my house and soon, or i will lose my mind.

we went to the grownup for hire the other day.
i'm now the beneficiary of jesse's life insurance. he started telling us about what was covered and when and i almost started crying right there in the office. i CANNOT discuss things happening to him, i just can't. also, there's not a policy in the world that will cover the amount of therapy i'll need if something does happen.

when we got home i did the research and printed out the forms for the domestic partnership. we're going to file in march for our anniversary. it's just a thing you bring to some office and show them the proof and that's it. you're partners. yay. Then when people ask what we are I can say we're "unmarried adults who are not related to the each other by blood in a manner that would bar marriage under applicable state laws, and who reside with the each other in a continuous relationship of indefinite duration in which they have responsibility for each other's welfare and financial well-being."
How romantic.

I'm not bleh, actually, just reality is, but that's enough, no?

So, Jesse is working like a dog, still. He's working more than I've ever seen a person work. So far he's not cracking and I've been able to shove calories into him. He's not *too* bad though he snapped for a moment the other day. He quickly recovered, which is good. I'm hoping tomorrow *** gives him a huge check. And, I mean HUGE. The guy owes him over 5k and owes me over 3600. We NEED to get the bathroom done. NEED. It's too f'n cold in the hallway to deal with showering up there. Then we're doing the bedroom and then the kitchen. We also have to winterize the attic seal. And the basement. Blurg. It's just constant. I have another big check coming from Marc for the *** MD work I did. I should be getting a fair amount for houses this month, and the next sax check will also be much larger. This freelance thing is lucrative, but weirdly. As in, hey, I'm doing a LOT of work, wonder when I'll actually get PAID for it? See, bleh.

Speaking of Marc, he finally snapped and dumped Bonnie. She's not telling anyone because she thinks she can win him back before he has to change his FB status (which he's informed her he'll wait on until she's ready or till he meets someone, whichever comes first.) Yes, that's right, i'm 34 and STILL somehow in high school! The main problem here is I'm still irritated with her for fucking up massive amounts of work leading to extra stuff for me and jesse to do AND her leaving food debris and dirty dishes in her office which happens to be MY HOUSE. And now, with this breakup, it's just fucking awkward and weird and the thing is in order for me to get to shower, I currently have to go through her office because the second bathroom is up there. So, I've been avoiding morning showers and just flat ironing my hair. Tomorrow I have to deal though, I just do. My hair is gross and it just never looks good with night before showering. I don't know how people do it. I need a cloak of invisibility. I really do. I'm really awful with people. Or, no, I'm not, but when people have issues that I consider bullshit, I'm really bad with them. It's odd. Marc uses me as a sounding board and gives me the daily Bonnie report, which includes a moment by moment breakdown of her slowly spiraling insanity that kind of freaks me out. Wahhh.

I'm reading a LOT. Like, devouring books. It's like I just realized they were out there again. It's odd. I'm really enjoying most of them (though there's a really jarring error in the strain and I'm *this* close to writing a letter to Guillermo Del Toro to tell him that while I LOVE his every thought and creation, thus far, this error is killing me and I beg of him to revise it for future editions.)
It's making the writing portion of my brain itch a little and I think I might work on my novel a bit. I'm feeling writey for the first time in months and months and that's kind of nice. The photography bug is still here, but it's winter and I'm feeling like accomplishing art without having to leave my blankets.

Something has gotten into fred. He's nearly convinced me that I have a cancer I don't know about. He's SO snuggly. He's like, teddy bear level snuggly. I can't play a game of bejeweled without him hopping on my lap. He lies on his back purring like he's some other non-curmudgeonly kitten that I have not had the pleasure to meet. I'm wondering if he's trying to butter me up so I won't give him his frontline. Every time he hops up on me I think about trying it, but he's almost smiling, and purring and his big belly is all exposed and trusting and I don't want to ruin it. Now that I write it down, I'm SURE that's what he's doing. He's a crafty kitten.

Colin continues to be on a crack attack. Every night I make sure her toys are in the atrium, particularly her squirrel (which magically appears next to my bed every morning,) so that maybe she'll stay occupied if she wakes up and leave us alone. Every night I'm lying down for no more than ten minutes when she's licking my face so hard I'm not sure I'm not bleeding. I've looked up all the licking and between that and the sucking, I really think she was taken from her mom when she was way too young. She shows all the signs, and apparently, I'm now her mom. If she's awake, and not having a crack attack, she's following me, EVERYWHERE. Everything I do is utterly amazing. God help me if I wash dishes without her. She loses her mind. She comes tearing in from whatever corner of the house she was occupying and slides across the kitchen floor and then leaps up on the counter to fredvestigate the sink. Then, she shoves into me until I kiss her on the head. Everything water related is AMAZING. Washing dishes, showering (the other day I was rinsing shampoo out and a cold clammy monster hand grabbed my thigh. Oh, wait, no, that was just colin pushing the shower curtain onto me. Silly me, a heart attack and screaming for nothing!), even going to the bathroom. I'm a private toilet person, so I really don't enjoy sharing the seat. She squeezes in behind me on the seat like she's going to go for a piggy back ride. The other day I found her almost completely inside the bowl. Lids down now, it's the only way.
I wonder what she'll be like as a cat. She's only 6 months, I'm SURE xmas will be hell, but she's got to grow up a bit soon, right?

My mom and I had a fight on the phone the other day about absolutely nothing. She calls and immediately starts picking on me, and then bothering me with what basically amounts to nonsense and then goes on and on about noodles wedding, and then starts picking on the fact that we haven't redone the kitchen yet (because we just have 20k lying around, don't you?) and I finally just snapped a bit and she says "why are you so angry?" Um, I dunno, you just called seemingly to pick a fight with me, why would I be? She hung up on me at that point, leaving me fuming. I didn't speak to her all weekend. Tomorrow I'll call my dad at work and see if she's sane yet. I KNOW this wedding is apparently the most important thing in her universe, but I really need her to understand that I'm working a LOT, jesse's working a LOT, we're under stress and unlike her other kids, I don't just borrow money to solve my issues. For christ's sake, my brother "borrowed" $1200 so far this month and she's not going to be seeing that, trust me. She owes ME $500 and I don't say anything. But, no, mom, I can't just redo the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom on a whim. GRRRR.

Here's fred, I should likely stop typing because he gets what he wants and what he wants isn't me looking at the weird lighted rectangle. I, for one, welcome our new super snuggly kitten overlords.

Finally saw Zombieland.
Whew! It did not suck like I was SO afraid it would. Excellent cameo, very pretty overall. Woody Harrelson, I do not know what to do with you, you're a hot bald redneck, and yet, you are not pushing all the buttons in the proper sequence. You need to hang out with Jason Statham and learn to do that.
Also, who thought Michael Cera would be the guy to copy? It's weird. I wasn't totally irritated that they didn't just ask michael cera to do it, plus I'm sure he's too busy, and maybe it's nice that there will be a whole new crop of awkard boy heroes? I dunno.
That chick is adorable and sunshine girl is growing up to be a human, it's crazy!
Overall, thumbs up.
Also, the M*A*S*H* thing was weird, but not too distracting.

I was just working like a maniac. We had a three day, on location shoot at a huge lifecare facility here on the island. I probably shouldn't say the name, just because, but this place RULES. I want to go to there, when I'm old. I'd actually go to there now, but you have to be 61 to get in. They have a gorgeous facility, the apartments are huge, the cottages are REALLY huge (2000 sf with a 2000sf basement? and a sunroom? yeah.) There's a ridonkulous number of activities to do, billiards, pool aerobics, hot tubs, wii, art lessons, photography clubs and contests, amazing food, your doctor comes to YOU. It just goes on and on.
The shoot, however, was EXHAUSTING. It was roadie work plus photography plus video and my arms are STILL sore. Just brutal. Hopefully the pay will be decent though. The whole gig is making a lot of money, but I didn't really discuss my exact salary with Jesse. I mean, even if I weren't getting paid, I'd have gone to be his helper, so, what's the point? He never stiffs me, so it'll be fine. I'm actually relatively flush at the moment, so it's ok.
My lungs WERE doing better, but then I did all this work and that knocked me down a couple pegs. I'm a dumbass. Whatever. I have an appointment on wednesday, so we'll see how much damage I did.

I think I found the dress I want for the wedding. What do you all think?
http://www.bluevelvetvintage.com/VINTAGE-STYLE-PINK-HALTER-SWING-DRESS-w-BLACK-MESH-OVERLAY-p-587.html
I'm going to get a HUGE crinoline. I want to be the puffiest princess on earth. How unlike me, I know.
My hair *should* be relatively copper by then.
I'm working on getting it there, but it's taking a while. Considering it's over black dye, it's looking amazingly decent.

Colin's surgery went so well, it's like it didn't happen. She seems to have found a hidden stash of crack somewhere in the house that I didn't know about though. I've never seen a cat with this kind of energy. Poor fredly.

My weight is coming down from the horrible steroid disaster. My head and neck are back to normal size and in another week or so, I suspect i'll see cheekbones, or, what passes for them on me.

This situation with bonnie, I dunno man. It's just to the point where I'm not longer interested in repair. She's done the unforgivable. She's gone holistic. Not sure if you'll all remember the friend I dumped because she went to a "holistic dentist" who "didn't believe in antibiotics" even though she had immune issues, but yeah, that's my line. When you forgo science for nonsense, I'm just out. OUT. Particularly when you have a specifically chemical issue that needs CHEMICALS to fix, not wishes and dreams. It's just bad. Her relationship is crumbling and she's not making much of an attempt to repair that. She just doesn't make much effort toward anything. It's really bothering me because Jesse and I work hard all the goddamned time and when I see someone who just NEVER finishes ANYTHING and spends a good deal of time whining and wishing instead of DOING, it pisses me off. Am I an asshole? Probably, sure, but it's just, bleh. I'd just ignore the whole situation but it's sort of in my face on a regular basis and that makes things difficult. I really wanted this situation to work out, but it's a constant stream of disappointment. Should I just dumb down my friend requirements, or what? What is the fucking deal here, people?
I have a lot of good books I'm reading right now. All at once. I think I'm also going to re-start knitting. I haven't done that since that larry kaplan weirdness in high school, but I'm hoping it's like a bicycle and you kind of never forget. I'm thinking of learning to knit socks on round needles. I don't know why, but that sounds like a good time to me.
Holy, S. It's the mailmain. It's a MIRACLE. I'm gonna go get that. I shall, as always, return.

may not have gone that well for me, due to the balloon like quality of my head and neck from prednisone related moon face. It's really hard to imagine yourself looking pretty in anything when you're concerned that you might be mistaken for a thanksgiving day float. I'll try again another day, really, I will. And I only got slightly teary once. It would be nice if my mom would just accept that I find it upsetting instead of telling me that I'm being "obsessive" about it. Here's the thing. My mom is fat. She's been fat the whole time I've known her. Her weight goes up and down, but she's a big lady. I am not fat. I'm not skinny in any way, shape, or form, but I've never been really fat. Right now? My head and neck? They're fat, and it's fucking freaking me out. How about letting me just be a bit freaked out right now, huh? Christ.

Noodle got a dress for stu's wedding and her wedding dress. She looks great in both of them. I'm now pretty entirely sure that noodle uses a combination of puking and fasting to maintain that waifness. Not that she's puking up every meal, but if she feels like eating a normal meal, there's little chance it's staying down. A casual bulimic I suppose. It makes sense. She's from the same genetic pool as the rest of us, how the fuck would she turn out to be a waif? However, she does tan, and really, no amount of puking can explain that one. I have to say I'm jealous. Years of fighting against vomiting have made it difficult, if not impossible to make myself puke on command. Bah humbug. I'd kill to walk into a store with those freaky tiny staff people and have them not cast a dubious eye upon me. Whatever.

On a positive note, I was feeling so grim from the whole dress shopping failure (and seriously, it wasn't just my balloon head, there was NOTHING I wanted in any of these stores. Everything is ugly. Does anyone have any suggestions for a dress? I'm looking for a mad men style party dress, I need two of them. One for november and one for june. Help me, PLEASE!) that when we went to ikea to get the votives and vases for the centerpieces, I bought a totally awesome bathrobe. It's floor length and hooded and bright red and makes me look like I'm entering a cult. It's snuggly and velveteen on the outside and terry on the inside. Clearly, it will need to be washed alone about 6 times before it can hang out with friends in the machine, but I really do like it. I also got way too many heart shaped ornaments to hang on the tree and in the house come winter and a pair of glass chickens wearing black crowns because you don't know how much you need glass chickens wearing crowns until you see them in front of you.

I'm bringing colin in for surgery today. She's having the surgery tomorrow but I have to drop her off today so they can not feed her overnight. She'll be alone in a cage, She's going to cry, it's going to be upsetting. I'm wondering if I should bring her squirrel with her, or her sucky blanket. I don't know if they'll let her keep them with her in the cage. Once she's spayed, she's officially ours. No more fostering. It's going to be an hour drive with her crying the whole way. That should be fun.

If there's any sort of justice, when I get home, there will be a HUGE BOX OF DYE at my house. HUGE. Then I'll spend the night putting away laundry and packing orders and all will be right with the world.

Tomorrow is pulmonologist. He's going to tell me I'm off steroids. He is. That's what he's going to say. And my head and appetite will shrink. And He'll say I can go to the gym if I take it easy. and I'll lose these last 15 lbs or so. I'll be smaller and happy and I'll find THE dress and everything will be fine. Right? Right. Yeah.
Also, I'll stop with the night cheese.

I'm FINALLY showing some improvement. The lung troops are rallying and while I'm clearly not better, I'm not in that "jesus christ, is this all there is, am I going to feel this way forever?" mode now. I am going to feel better, it'll just take some time. I'm actually getting a bit of oxygen to my brain now. I'd bet my pulse ox is a minimum of 96. I made jesse take me out for a drive yesterday so I could be far away from the couch, which has been my prison for 3 weeks and I can't take it anymore.

I'm down to 5mgs of prednisone. Wednesday should, in theory, be my last day. I cannot wait. My face is huge. HUGE. They don't call it moonface for nothing, kids. My stomach is also swollen. This is supposed to go away in a few weeks after I get off of them. I sure hope so. I don't think I've ever been on steroids this long. This has been months. It's kind of insane.

We're going wedding shopping for noodle's dress today. I'm going to be positive and have a good time. I'm going to focus on picking out a dress I could never afford otherwise. Betsy Johnson or some such. I should get something out of this, I really should. Other than feeling bleh, right?

Somehow in the night, Colin got trapped INSIDE the duvet. Like, between the duvet and the duvet cover, and completely freaked out. Do you know how hard it is to figure that out when you're awakened from a deep sleep? I was just baffled and for a moment was sure that the blanket had come alive.
I drop her off for surgery tomorrow, she's spayed early wednesday morning. Hmph.

I didn't get to go to the whitman thing. I was too sick. I slept for 5 hours instead, which may be what turned the tide so I won't complain too much. I'm now not beholden to the group at all, though they have my photos. I was seriously considering abandoning those photos but Bonnie has been taken in by the group and I think I can just have her bring me my pictures when she comes into work. I just do not want to be a chatty artist friend person. It's so bleh. Let her do it, she can pretend she's in the city when they all hang out, it'll be good for the whole group. The whole talking about things and never getting anywhere so doesn't appeal to me. I'd rather work on projects with jesse that eventually lead to us getting a new kitchen.
Sue me.

I should shower. We have a phone meeting at 11 and then my mom's coming to get me to take me wedding shopping and then we're going to ikea to get centerpieces and then we're taking my dad out to birthday dinner because I'm still sick so I'm relaxing, right?
Ha.

I hope Jesse doesn't think I got pneumonia so he'd ignore the banana in the atrium. The tree is huge, and he hates it, but he hasn't said word one since I've been trapped on the couch. It's too convenient, you know? It does make the atrium feel like a jungle though. Also, I had no idea how much water a banana tree releases through it's leaves until I had one inside. It's always shiny with watery beads in the morning. So far the cats and I have not thrown down over it. But we'll see how long that goes. I still have to bring in the majesty palm. That one lives in the kitchen and THAT one is going to be a cat toy supreme. It's just the nature of the fronds. I need those pidgon strips that they put on top of signs for the inside of the pot. Where can I get those things?

Bleh, ok. I'm gonna go shower. Gotta start this insanely long day.

that's all I can say. I have no motivation. I have pneumonia. I'm bleh.

The doc says this one is "significant" and won't clear for at least 4-6 weeks. The xray is obscene. There's a fist sized cloud on my diaphragm. This is idiotic. The ONLY good part is that I'm done with my antibiotics and tomorrow is my last day of 10mgs of prednisone and I'm going down to 5. 5 days of that and I'm OFF. Finally. My face is just so round and everything feels crappy. Until I'm better I'm stuck on chairs and couches. It's really pretty painful, though there's no pleurisy so that's excellent. I have a client coming this afternoon to get photography done and I'll be doing that in pajamas. I couldn't care less about professionalism right now. I feel too ill and they're lucky I didn't cancel altogether. Jesse's getting me a lot of photo gigs. The camera is earning money which means buying a new body and lenses isn't completely off the chain.

I have this reading at the walt whitman museum on saturday. I'm not even excited. I just want to read my work and get the fuck out. Honestly, I want out of the whole thing. I'm done being an artist. I don't need the validation. I like money more than validation. I'd rather get paid for the photos than adored, or whatever. I'm aware of how monstrous that sounds. It's weird though, I just don't care. I just want to be comfortable and happy, whatever that takes. If that's bad, too bad. I don't need people to tell me whether the pictures are good. They are, I like them. I hang them in the house without shame, that's really all I need. I just enjoy the process. I dunno. The group's goal is to show in Chelsea and when they say that all I can think is "man, I don't wanna do all the way into chelsea!" So, yeah. Hopefully, I do this show and that's that.

Colin's getting spayed on Wednesday. I hope she does alright. I hate any and all surgeries on kitties.

I'm making soup and I made quiche so I don't have to cook later. I'm already sick of being sick and this is supposed to last till thanksgiving? Jesus.

I have a lot of shit to write about, and I just don't feel like it right now. I will though, really.

went to see Dr. B today. I'm totally not getting better. what the hell is that? Usually by now, I'm fine. Today my pulse ox was 94%! How shitty! No wonder I'm so sleepy. I'll also blame my totally blowing at bejeweled on that as well, though I can't prove it.
He says I got this from all the steroids, soooo, they boosted my steroids AGAIN for another week. Joy. Back up to 20. Then I can try weaning, again. I may never get off of these things. I'm SO sick of sweating, I can't tell you. It's just f'n gross. At least tomorrow I finally get a haircut and that will help with the heat issue.

I have to get another chest x ray next week and then another one the week after. It's just a craptastathon. Also, I have stabbing next week, which might help. Dr. B says I really need to avoid the people, and go into winter mode. He also warned me that swine flu would be pretty awful on me, so yeah, that was good to hear. Otherwise though, a totally decent visit. No stabbing, and no promise of such in the future.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to get the call to schedule colin's spaying. She's SO SKINNY, this makes me nervous. Seriously, she's grown, but she's just a skeleton wrapped in fur. I don't get it. She eats, she's healthy enough, but just, like, she's the kate moss of cats. Maybe I'm just used to fatty catties. Fred's shedding some tonnage I think. Speaking of which, so, the flea collar came, I took it out of the box and I was holding it in my hands and fred went into squint mode. I wasn't even LOOKING at him, and he's squinting like I beat him. So, you know what, buddy? If you're going to squint no matter WHAT I do to you, then every 6 weeks, we're wrestling, I'm wrapping you in a towel and you're getting Frontline. If I'm going to be accused of meanness, I might as well be mean. It was APPALLING. This is what happens when you don't leave the house, you have deep emotional turmoil involving guilt and cats.

So, Tuesday, we got up psychotically early and drove to New Jersey. Hampton NJ is actually really pretty and almost made me think I could deal with living in NJ. Its just that NJ part I can't handle so well. Anyhoo, we drove and picked up Jesse's new car! It is STUNNING. It's a deep sea blue BMW z4 roadster with a white leather interior and he looks amazing in it. It makes him happy and thus, I am happy. The boy deserves nice things. He even got a ridiculously fantastic deal on the lease, which, yay. After all this, he deserves that too. So now, for 30 months, we don't have to deal with car shit and from what I understand, once you're in club BMW, you get great deals forever.
We're that work from home duel tiny bmw no kids couple. "The neighbors from christmas vacation" jesse calls us. I'm going to buy us a white aluminum tree this year, seriously.

Tonight, he'll wake up eventually and then we'll try to catch up on the obscene amount of work we have to get done. I really need the scratch from the invoices, so I'm on that without too much complaint.
Supposedly tomorrow we'll FINALLY have the tivo properly hooked up. Sure we will. I don't even want to go into this saga, but it's been like, 3 weeks in the making and I'm sick of feeling like an ugly american. All i know is I have pneumonia and I just want to lie on the couch and watch TV!!! That shouldn't be so difficult.

Get the google app if you have an iphone. It's awesome. It turns your phone into the hitchhiker's guide.

All I want is ice cream lately. It's weird.

When is it ok to go to the gym? I didn't ask Dr. B, I kinda knew he'd turn me down when my pulse ox was so shitty. Still though, really. I think I'll ask stacey, she'll know, maybe?

Ok, Jesse's up. I should go back to things.
More catchup later.
God, I need a macro lens.

if I stop using frontline on fred and just switch him to a flea collar? He HATES frontline. I'm talking murderous rage level hate. The SECOND he has an inkling I'm going to put it on him, he either runs and hides and when I catch him, the screaming starts, or he squints at me as though I've just severely beaten him. This squinting lasts for hours. It's emotionally brutal for us both to the point that he's always late getting it because I feel so awful about it. Colin could be dunked in a bucket and wouldn't care. She got into the shower with me today. Frontline is fine on her. But fred? Not so much. We're talking sheer misery for him. The collars last 7 months and protect against fleas and ticks and I mean, it's ghetto but maybe he's just being true to his roots. He's a gangsta kitty. Or something. I dunno, but this frontline situation is 4 years old and we both hate it. I need opinions. He needs something because just being out in the covered porch exposes him and I want him protected and the house protected, but I can't have this. Are there pills for kitties? Help!

I'm home. That sucked. Wednesday I woke up FUCKED UP. I was so sick. Jesse drove me to my mom's. By the time I got there, sitting up was no longer an option. It was lying down or nothing. My mom set up a pillow and blanket in the backseat and drove me to the doctor. He saw me and asked her to take me to the ER. I had to be wheeled from the car in a chair. I ended up staying in the ER until this afternoon, in a weird, glass walled fish bowl where they put the easily infected or severely infectious. I couldn't stand up to get a chest x ray so they had to do it lying down on the cot. They did a lung sonogram too, apparently, I have quite a pneumonia in there. That explains how crappy I felt. I actually even ran a fever. Weirder still is that my white count was 15.9. FIFTEEN THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED. My baseline is 1.8. When i'm like, dying? I'm lucky to get up to a 4. So, yeah, that's not only sick, but that's like a superhero quality response. No wonder I had no energy and all that bone pain. Yeesh. Gonna have to go follow up with Dr. B on that because that's a fully freakish occurrence for me. I'm a little worried he's going to want a bone marrow biopsy to see exactly how I pulled that off. I'm definitely curious, but I don't want to deal with that. However, I won't talk to him till monday at the earliest and my count was back down to 8 this morning (still wacky!) so by then it'll likely be back to normal and there's nothing to see here and we can all just move along.

Every staff member in the hospital, doctors, nurses, aids, they all want socialized medicine. What's going on there is obscene.

I'm really feeling a lot better now, though a bit weak. That's fair. I really did this to myself. I did too much. Everyone told me I was doing too much, and I didn't listen. Because every time I'm healthy for a stretch, I'm sure I'm cured and this is all fake. I'm an idiot, seriously. How much of an idiot? I've only been home a couple of hours and I've already popped my jaw out of alignment somehow (I'm really hoping that goes back by itself, it can, right?) and inhaled some orange fanta zero. Thankfully, I'm still on antibiotics for a week so that should keep anything that would get infected down. Bah. You know? Just bah!

And I didn't get to the estate. I was just too weak. It's ok though, it's still relatively nice in the day and I think I'm going to do some more me time in the next few weeks. A leisurely walk to the estate, even carrying camera equipment, isn't too bad. I'm allowing myself one major errand a day. I went to costco on the way home from the hospital today so that I don't have to go pick stuff up this week. Tomorrow I'll go with jesse looking for the car and that's it, back home to rest. Sunday, I'll pack my orders but mostly chill on the couch. And on like that through the winter. I get it, I'm defective. Whatever.
What matters now is that I'm home with Jesse and the kitties and my house. Whew.

I'm still wildly open to presents though! Heh...

I had crazy dreams of blood and my ex's and laundry. I woke up with my chest really hurting. Last night my ribs were aching, but I think that's leftover from sunday's muscle spasm explosion. I CANNOT stay on these steroids much longer, but the problem is that because my chest is so shitty, when I talk to my doc tomorrow he's not going to be motivated to let me continue to taper, even though I started feeling shitty sunday and didn't start tapering till yesterday. It's just come to where if I'm going to feel shitbomb, I'd rather feel shitbomb off of steroids. It's been too many months now, and it's really affecting just about every aspect of my waking, and semi sleeping day.
Now, here's issue the second. Today is tuesday, this is the day that my new doc IS in. If I don't go today, I won't get him, I'll get someone else. I do need to train someone else on me, but I'm a wee nervous. I think I'm gonna not call today. Tomorrow I have to call my pulmo anyway, and if he wants me to come in, that's 2 visits in a week and that's too much. Plus, all the weathermen say this is the last nice day ever and I REALLY want to take my new lenses down to the estate and see what kind of naturey nature I can see. I'm even planning to lug a tripod, because I'm dedicated to getting an AMAZING turkey shot. I am prepared with my turkey calls for the iphone. If I don't get a turkey shot, I'm still guaranteed some other cool naturey something, and I am hoping to get some kind of autumn series together.

The show the other night was good. It was weird. I dunno. My stuff was good. It really was. Relatively and objectively. Tempura day was also good. John and Jim came and Jesse not being there made that easier to enjoy. Next year it's going to be in August again. I don't know what's going on with bonnie. Her bf gave her the lowdown about the nuttiness, but only thinks there's a 7% chance she's really going to change the nuttiness, and if she doesn't, there's just no hope there. Whatever happens, I just don't want divorce juice on me.

Still no car for jesse. The only ones he likes, they don't make. This is getting to be almost absurd. If a car is popular enough that you can't keep them in stock, and the economy sucks, BUILD THAT CAR. this is why car companies fail, they're STUPID.

I'm going to launch colin to the moon. she's in the terrible two's phase of kittenness. The one that comes after they're being bad because they just can't control their bodies and before they're just young energetic cats. She's in the "I have total control over my body and I'm going to use that every second of the day to be as bad as possible" phase. She's spent two nights in the garage. I suspect tonight will be no different. Jesse keeps saying she's just evil, but fred also spent many a night in the garage when he was in this phase. Again, this is why we don't have kids. When you put your crying baby in the garage, they frown on that.

I'm going to shower, maybe that'll help.

my photos at the gallery.

Did my meeting.

Got a new PCP, he rocks. I really like him a lot.

Tomorrow:

Gotta get fasting bloodwork done.
Gotta do two houses.
Have several phone meetings.
Need to get copy done.
Need to take ebay photos.
Really need some kind of exercise.

Gotta figure out this car situation. They sold jesse's car, so now we may be carless at a time when that's really not ok.

I cannot wait for tempura day. I need a goddamned break.

I did what good jews do when they're depressed. I went shopping. I bought a new work outfit complete with shoes, and then came home, napped and got up and bought ANOTHER pair of shoes that I'd left in the store but realized I deserved because life is mean.

I gotta do some serious work this week to make that little episode like it didn't happen. I also need to make friends with some local thrift stores. I feel like I'd be doing a lot better there anyway. I also REALLY need to go through my closet with a realistic eye and get rid of things I'm never going to wear again. There's a lot of it. A LOT. I need the space and maybe I can sell some of it, I could use the cash as well. Every year when it gets cold, I feel the need to tackle that closet. Plus, when the bathroom's done, we're probably going to start in on the bedroom and I can't have a nice bedroom and a nauseating closet. That's just silly.

Fred slept on the cable box last night. I was just getting comfortable when I heard the familiar heave and creak of him landing on it and settling down. It was insanely comforting to hear. We're at about 90% normal fred. Sure took long enough. What's it been, almost 4 months? Something like that. I'm glad he's going back to old fred. He even challenged me to a duel today.

This week is going to be a bit hellish. I'm way over scheduled. I have lots of doctors and testing and the art show and tempura day and I just got an interior appointment and we have to get jesses car and I have to drop off my car. It's just a lot to get in. I'm already tired. I should call and schedule that interior and pack my orders for tomorrow just to get that out of the way. Also, with any luck, a huge hair dye delivery will come this week. Maybe my mom can take me to the lab after my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I really need to get that in so I can get off these steroids asap. Just too much to do, and not enough time to do it. I'll be glad for tempura day. That'll be the mark that this week is over.

I haven't made a real update in a while.

Things were icky for a few days. Jesse was in a seriously black funk and I thought I was totally dealing with it just fine, but the funk combined with my shitbox lungs, my brother and sister getting married, a LOT of work, my friend still whining about her cough, the Tuesday anniversary and the end of summer just ended up culminating in me spending a whole day, with my mom, weeping in public. It was atrocious. I just kinda broke down. It was really bad. Then, things started to get a little better, I slept, Jesse felt better, and then his computer died, again. Then on the way home from the computer place, his car died. So, yeah. Just a whole lot of bullshit that's getting out of hand. So, no updates and I haven't read anything in ages.

So, to sum up.

I'm STILL on steroids. It's a fucking nightmare. I HATE them. My skin is unhappy, I think about food every second of every day. I'm seriously bottomless in that regard. I don't sleep well, and I sweat when I do sleep. I want OFF. Will I be able to get off? Well, here's some good news. Apparently, the bloodwork came back from my pulmonologist, halfway anyway, and I have some elevated allergen levels, I'm vitamin deficient, and I'm anemic. Those are like, ACTUAL issues, not just "hey, your lungs are garbage, sucks to be you." SO, maybe we can fix this? Maybe? I dunno. I'm very happy that something is specifically wrong. That's just SO much better than "we don't know." So, I have hope. Next week I have to go get more bloodwork done, that's fine. Then we'll see if I can get on this experimental monoclonal antibody thingy that works on a small percentage of people for whom athsma is an allergic situation. What am I allergic to? I have NO idea. Maybe the mold in the bathroom wall? That's really the only change since I got back from vieques. I can't wait till that fucking room is gutted and fixed up.

Yeah.
So, lots of work is happening. I'm doing some photo gigs. Nothing fancy, just quick shots for articles, brochures, and websites, but, I mean, it's something and it's making me not feel *too* retarded about my sudden lens addiction. I just want a million lenses. I wish I could make lenses my whole xmas list. It's gonna be at least part of it. I gotta get some $$ from my mom as she was supposed to give me some $$ to cover for the lens I bought for stu's wedding, and now I'll be shooting noodle's wedding too.
I don't know what to say about the wedding things. I really don't. My siblings are both getting married. I'm not allowed to get married. Am I upset? Kinda, yeah. What am I upset about exactly? I have no fucking idea. I can't put my finger on it. It's nothing specific and it's everything. I mean, sure, it's the presents and having princess day, getting whatever dress you want, picking out food and making other people eat it, whatever. But that's not really anything I care a whole lot about. I think a big part of it is the fact that Jesse never actually has to SAY out loud "hey, if I don't spend the rest of my life with you, I'll die of sadness. I choose you above all others because you are what I want." I just kind of have to assume it because we're together and he *could* be together with anyone and blah blah. But, I mean, I dunno. All the other chicks get that moment. I don't get that moment and it's fucking lame as hell, but I kinda want it. Whatever. I'm an idiot. I think he thinks I don't care about such things. That's what makes me great, right? That I don't care? Well, surprise, the tits aren't fake, I have some girl feelings and I would like to be told that without me, life is crap. Who knew?
Bleh.
My sister and her fiancee are going to norway or something for their honeymoon. Stu and his fiancee are going I don't know where. They're all doing their thing. Noodle's getting married the week after thanksgiving and then stu in june. This month is 7.5 years for me and Jesse. I wear a ring, but it's not real. I dunno. I don't want to think about it. It's both incredibly stupid and selfish and incredibly bothersome how upset I'll get about it if I think about it too long. I really wish I knew why this bothered me. I can't really discuss this with anyone either. I tried to talk to my mom and she just cried about it. I clearly can't talk to jesse about it. I can't talk to noodle because that's ruinous and, well, that's all I have.

I tried to do a facebook quiz, who would play you in a movie, your love interest, your best friend, your worst enemy. I couldn't finish. I haven't had a non-jesse best friend in a really long time.

You see, if you stop to ruminate, you can get all teary. This is why I haven't been here in a while.

In shallow happy news, the refurb tivo we just got apparently came with a lifetime of service, so wow, nice.
We're hopefully going to get jesse's new car on wednesday, that should be good.
The computer guy was able to save jesse's data. He still has to reformat, but the emails are saved, so, that's good.
Fred jumped on jesse's lap during dinner the other day and I woke up to him staring at us from the arm of the couch. These are good, fredly behaviors.

I dunno. This is what's going on. I'm a huge whiney baby. How was your day?

yay! I've slept two nights in a row, WITH a blanket, one of them without AC, and I didn't sweat! Miraculous!
Sadly, I'm not 100% sure I don't have pneumonia right now. My lungs are in a corset and are FILLED with soupy goop. Sigh.

Here's the other thing though, I don't technically have a PCP right now. My real one moved, there are people covering for her that I don't particularly like, and I don't even have a consult with a POSSIBLE new one till the second week in september. I don't want to call my pulmonologist, because hello, new hyde park, really? Yeah. I know, I'm an asshole. This is my fault. My PCP has been gone since early June. I should have dealt with this earlier. There's really no excuse for NOT having dealt with this earlier. For today I'm going to act like this is a weather thing. I mean, could be, right? Plus, I do still have a hankering for hot and sour soup, and, usually, when I have pneumonia, that goes away, so maybe, just maybe, I'm only drowning and need to be back on the steroids but I don't want that either!!!! I'm just too fucking food obsessed on the steroids. And the sweating? Jesus, the sweating. It's so awful. No!!! Bleh. I dunno. Maybe I slept funny and it filled my lungs with lung juice. I'm gonna hope for that. It's the end of summer and I just do NOT want to waste it on stupid sick nonsense. That's bullshit, ladies and gentleman. Total, utter, bullshit.

I'm still trying to get over the other night. It would be better if it weren't being regularly referred to as "the event." Oy. Whatever.

We went to bed at 10 last night, thinking it would just be a nap. It wasn't. My mistake. Bleh. That's what I get for skipping my nap. I KNEW I needed that nap. I just knew it.