The shower doors get installed and the bathroom is officially "done." The glass guy called today to get the contact info for the company I purchased them from so he can do recon before he gets here which I like because it means he's not afraid to ask questions to get the job done right. Whew.
No more showers up in the cold! We don't heat the apartment in winter because there's no point unless we have guests which hasn't happened since noodle and jay took their "break" before they got married. People just don't visit us. We stink, what can I say?

So my mom wants to kidnap me tomorrow and have me sleep over there. The storm is coming and I have an appointment to get my infusion wednesday morning. I don't know what to do. I don't want to sleep over there, but if I don't, there's the chance that I won't be able to get the infusion done. Bah. I hate it. I'm a month behind now too, which complications things. I can't not get that medication. I'm holding it together, but my lungs are juicy, my skin looks awful and I'm sleeping about 15 hours a day. So, *sort* of holding it together. I can't remember if I'm like this every February. Maybe I'm just trying to sleep the cold away. Who knows?

It looks like Jesse's going to be renting an office. He's moving on the "the next level" which is great. He deserves success and more money and blah blah, but I'm terribly spoiled and kind of miserable that he won't be home all day every day like I'm used to. I don't think this is a permanent thing. I think once he has things settled and the office fully running with staff and whatnot, he'll be able to be home more. It's really the only way for us to make it to the next bracket and since it doesn't look like there's going to be national healthcare any time soon, we're going to need that, or we just won't be able to afford to keep me breathing, which, currently, we both enjoy.

Frontline has just stopped working on the cats. I don't get it. They're by no means infested, but every so often, I see a flea. I did a google and apparently, that sometimes happens with frontline, so I'm trying "program" tablets for cats. I kind of hope they do work because, hey, tablets! Fred and colin LIKE to eat. So that might kill two birds with one stone. I hope.

Always good when those end right about midnight. Sigh.

At least, so far as I know, I don't have to leave the house tomorrow. So, for a good week or so there, I was totally getting better I think. House was cleaned down to the very last oddity and we shampooed the rugs and carpet and it was lovely.

Then the insurance company decided that my time sensitive medicine wasn't really THAT time sensitive. Now I'm just about two weeks behind on my dose and when my brother gave a listen tonight there were no breath sounds in my lower right lobe. Way to go, Oxford! You're a huge bunch of dicks! I think I might have to hit up the pulmo now. I was going to just skip it, but now I have this pretty severe nightly nausea that makes it hard to lie down without that pre-vomit, electric spit pulsing out of my tongue. I can actually lie there and feel my tongue pumping it out. It's really really weird. Also, I can't lie on my right side at all because I instantly start to feel like I'm suffocating and it hurts. It's quite scary. A bit elephant man like (you know, because he couldn't lie down without dying and all. Speaking of, did you know he didn't suffocate to death? I thought he did, but no! The weight of his head actually broke his neck. The more you knoooooow!)
So, yeah, this all blows a donkey. However, we have a plan.
The insurance company actually pays for two things. One, the medication, and two, the nurse to administer the medication because it's IV and needs someone to pop that baby in, and watch me to make sure nothing wacky happens while I'm getting it. It's rare, but "something wacky" has happened maybe 7 times in all the times I've been taking this stuff and while it's never been THAT bad, it's always been a very good idea to have a medical professional nearby when that wackiness does ensue. So, due to some sort of shipping snafu last year, I think because they delivered and then I was hospitalized but then it was delivered again, or something like that, we HAVE one extra dose. So, that's 50% of the problem right there. We just had no way to get it IN me (is it IN you? Sorry, clearly, I'm IN a mood.) So I went to my folks today as all the siblings were gathering for dinner and my mom says "well, I'll just pay stacey out of pocket whatever she gets to come do it." Right away, I say no, because my guess is that Stacey gets something astronomical to sit with me and do that IV (I've never asked, but I mean, it's insurance nonsense, I'm thinking she could be getting several hundred bucks) and that's just too much for my folks to just hand over because the insurance company is being a bag of dicks. (They're asking for proof of my illness now. After having been on this medication for, oh, almost ten years? Yeah, DOUCHES.) But then I realize that we can get that part for free! I'll just have STU do the infusion! Why not? Aside from the weirdness of having him start the IV, and it always is kind of weird, I don't know why, but it is. I guess because it's my brother doing something semi invasive on me. It feels very exposed. Anyhoo, I mean, he's an EMT, just about has his paramedic. He starts lines on ambulances all the time! In dying babies while going over bumps. He's also one of the few people on earth who've ever reliably gotten blood from me, so, yeah I say. How about Stu? My mom says he's free tuesday and when he gets to my mom's we run it by him and it's a go. So, no matter what, I WILL get at least one more dose in and that'll buy me 3 weeks, though it might be too late already. I'll call Dr. Steinberg tomorrow and see what he thinks.

Noodle suggested that when you buy a book, it be like a blu ray where you get a key to download a digital copy (for your kindle or whatnot.) Noodle is a genius. So, get on that, tech people, seriously!
Speaking of, am I a fucking monster for being pleased that noodle is less tiny since the wedding? It's not gloating, it's just like, I can see her old shape there, and she had seconds on tarte tatin today and I was like, wow, maybe she's going to be a normal attainable size and not make me feel like an elephant for my whole life? It was the first time I've seen her in maybe 5 years that I didn't feel like a goddamned walter hudson wannabe. (Did I just seriously date myself with my choice of famously fat people?)

I got a haircut. It's WAY shorter than I'd intended. Actually, I just intended to get bangs but there was the little communication thing that so often happens and instead of just a little trim on the sides to maintain shape I have a Clabber Girl length 'do, though super straight not finger waves. It's kinda flapper looking. And it's RED because all of the dark parts are now fully gone, so I'm all kinds of copper top. It's a lot more face than I'm used to showing, but I'm kinda digging it. I think I'm going to keep this shape, but grow it out. I really do miss having a ponytail a bit. I might do that this summer.

My lord do I need summer. Seriously. This winter crap, it's just crap. I hate it.
That is all.

on my infusion and I can already feel it. It's just a general blah right now. Hopefully it gets no worse.

I dragged my ass out of the house today. I had a house to do and Monday I'd told Nina I'd come by and help her with her computer.
Anna had called on saturday and said we were going to lunch monday with nina and that lady who's name ALWAYS escapes me. That lady is a nut, she really is. Nina's so nice, but so sad, and the thing is there's nothing anyone can do. Her husband just died and she's alone and it's just awful. They were best friends and so similar to me and jesse. Very much "we hang out in the same room all day" kind of people. It breaks my heart. So, though today I didn't feel like going out at all, and I was going to put off the house I had to do till tomorrow, I decided to get off my butt and go help her with her computer. I mean, if I were alone and I couldn't even connect on the computer, I'd lose my fucking mind.

So I drove over and hung out for a while. We talked, she showed me photos, and her house. I like her house. It's got a really cool layout and a sunken den. It's a really cute place. She needs a cat. She really really does. Not long before her husband died, her last dog died too and that woman NEEDS something to snuggle. I told my mom that on one of her days off, she should come out here and we should take nina to lunch. Maybe my mom can talk her into a cat. Once it's a little warmer I'm going to try to make an effort to ride by on my bike. Visit some. I'll see her on Tuesday at book group too. I'm amazed I was able to help at all on the computers. She's on PC's and I'm so mac. I can't handle PC, it makes my brain lock up. But I did it, and she's back online.
I think next time I go there I'm going to download aim for her and get her chatting. I have to help Anna with her internet issues too. I've become tech support for the older women of the mastic/shirley area. It's cool though. They all really like me and we're moving into that friends realm. It's an amazingly judgement free zone. I I like it.

The bathroom should be 99% done tomorrow. Then it's just the shower doors and some touch up. I feel like this project is a financial hemorrhage and I just can't wait for it to end. Finish it, and the bleeding will stop. I can start chipping away at the credit card debt and stitching up the wound. All in all, it's coming in at around 10k or so. I know, seriously. But it's a bathroom. Apparently, considering it's a to the studs gutting, that's what these things cost. And I hear for every dollar you put in a bathroom or kitchen, you get 2 out. Is that true? I don't know. I don't care. I just want this over. It really does look beautiful though and hopefully by the weekend, I'll be taking a bath. A no doors bath, but a bath nonetheless.

The glue Andy's using to put the tile up smells something awful. So, to combat this, he had the window open in the bathroom. That was fine until he walked out into the kitchen and when he came back into the bath, he saw colin headed out the window. That's about the point I went looking for fred who was, of course, gone.
That feeling where your heart is so low it's actually under your intestines is so terrible. I ended up under the deck in the mud and finally got him back. If it had been dry outside, I'm SURE he'd have been gone in the night. Luckily (so luckily, I can't tell you) when he went out the window and jumped down, the deck was wet and slimy. Fred HATES wet. When he went on the ground, it was all muddy leaves and misery. He was kind of frozen in his misery so he didn't get far. Had colin also gotten out, and a sophie's choice situation ensued, I would have had to go for fred. I think I can talk colin back in the house, but fred's got roots in the streets. He's too gangsta for that nonsense. Andy thought he was going to have to take me to a hospital. I was hyperventilating and wheezing and just got deathly pale and it was crazy. Fred is getting annoyed with my constant hugging now, but boo hoo on him. That's what you get for going out the window, doofus.
He's gotten out maybe 2 or 3 times in his life, has never gotten further than 4 feet or so away from the house, and EVERY time I feel like I'm going to die. I do not want to test that microchip in him. i just want him in the house, safe and snuggly.

I really need new brakes on my car. They are making bad "you're eating your rotors" noises. I'l get them right after I order the shower doors. They're gonna run me ANOTHER $2400 on the credit card and I just can't swing all this shit right now. I'm trying to do as much as possible on my own without Jesse. I think it's important that I contribute the bulk of this money. I don't know why, but I do. I'm getting a lot of my back pay paid directly to my creditors (i.e. Andy and my mom) so I avoid losing a chunk and I get it paid back more quickly. Even if I somehow run up $300 in finance charges on my card (and that's so not going to happen) it'll be ok. Besides, all this debt is keeping me from buying the initial release of the mac tablet and we all know there's going to be glitches and no sane person would do that, they'd wait for the update that's sure to follow a few months later.

Blurg.
If you're reading this, send all of your friends to the Attic for vday presents. The Attic needs cash immediately to help defray these construction costs and, well, don't your friends need vday presents? It works out well for everyone.
http://www.amaltheasattic.com/

I really should be writing my cousin sister a letter. I'm going to get on that stat.

what sticks with you, and how long it sticks.

I just remembered that when my sister was about 2 years old or so, she'd always say "look into me eyes... what do you see? A baby!?"
She was convinced that she was inside of everyone's eyes, since whenever she looked into mine, there she was.
Now she's married.
So weird.

Jesse's started watching Tabitha's Salon Takeover with me. I love it (that he watches it. The show is only eh, but it's fun to watch together.)

Feeling pretty goddamned awful. I think I'm just super super tired. Also, I think that even though I wore a mask, I still inhaled some of the construction crap downstairs when we took a little house vacation this weekend and my throat is sore, my eyes are itchy and my lungs feel full of bricks. It's stupid. I'm going to see the doc tomorrow just to be a responsible citizen, but really, I think it's just too much running and crap since thanksgiving. This second I don't have any writing work due. I caught up on everything, just this moment. I finished my book group book, and it was excellent.
Here, by the way, are the shower doors I'll be getting:


Yes, suck on those for a while. I know I did.
Those shower doors were the very last thing I had to leave the house for. I'll be ordering them from cali and having them shipped, but I had to go out because originally I was going to have them just ship the hardware and order the glass and get an installer here. However it turns out that the price difference is $300 or so and I'd rather pay $300 and have it fit absolutely perfectly and have someone to hold responsible who isn't me if something goes awry. I'm very big on spending a little bit more in order to have someone else to hold accountable. It comes of being cursed with all things electrical and mechanical.
Anyway, my plan is to sit and read. I'm doing under the dome next and also finishing up catcher in the rye. once I'm done with catcher in the rye, I'm going to do the sociopath next door and fear and loathing in las vegas. I think that's about the most I can reasonably do this month. This work finishing thing isn't going to last long. Tomorrow might bring more, who knows. What I do know if that even though the shower enclosure may take longer than i'd hoped to get here, I'll STILL be able to take baths in there without the enclosure installed. And the bath will be book town. And that, my friends, is that.

I had this whole thing I was going to post about my niece and thanksgiving. Basically, it boiled down to my brother not learning from his experiences as a kid and being really harsh on my niece in a way that's eerily similar to the way my dad was to us when we were kids, minus the actual physical violence. Either way, it's terrifying and terrifying a kid is absolutely unacceptable. And his new wife to be doesn't seem to check him on it, or, not quickly enough anyway. Her first instinct seems to be to agree with him. They want her to be a stepford kid. I get that manners are important. They are. I get that kids should behave properly in all situations. I'm one of the people who loses it when kids scream in public and such, however, jesus fucking christ. She's 5, 6 now? Let UP a little. He doesn't let her do ANYTHING. Just any tiny deviation from his rigid rule (and I mean TINY) and he flies off the handle. He even forced her to eat food she didn't like. She tried it, politely said she didn't like it, and he forced her to eat it. Way to create a Jesse in the future, bro.
I dunno, I just predict that kid will run away or end up on the pole. It's upsetting in a big big big way. I can't wait until she can read. Reading is a good escape for that. I can give her books. I think when she's a little older, a little more independent, I'm going to see about letting her use me as an out. Not all the time, but just a small escape. Kids need that. And christ, how did my brother not learn from being my dad's kid? We lived in terror. Goddamn it. It's really upsetting. It ties my stomach in knots. She's so powerless. I tried to talk to my mom about it. She said "all kids are powerless." I said no, they're not. They don't have control, they don't necessarily have a say, but they have some power within their family if they're allowed to speak and express themselves and their parents listen to them and communicate with them. My mom wasn't really getting it, which, I guess, makes sense. She didn't get it when we were small either which is why my dad used to be the way he was.
And that's another problem. When my mom finally DOES call my brother out on his lunacy, she always says "you don't want her to end up like you kids, terrified of their father! your sister took us into THERAPY to tell us about that! you don't want that!" and she always says this IN FRONT of my father. And, man, it's been FOREVER. My dad stopped being a dick when my sister was like 6 months old. She just got MARRIED. He's really ashamed of his behavior in the past, I'm over it. Stop rubbing it in, mom, you know? I mean, you can see the shame on his face when she says it. And she keeps repeating it when that moment does come. And hey, mom, where the fuck were you with all this back then? Nowhere. You were just watching him yell or saying "I don't want to be a mother anymore, I quit" and literally walking out of the house, repeatedly. I don't know. It all makes me really glad to be child free, with jesse, in our own house.
Thanksgiving is a huge bowl of crap with meat that I HATE piled on top.
So, I guess I did write that entry after all.
Blurg.

and engagements the same way I think of honors students.
If EVERYONE is an honors student, then what the hell does that mean anyway?

It's snowing, again.

I crave my life back, and by my life, I mean having a bathroom on the first floor. How did the bunkers do it? Seriously, this is nuts.

and cried twice. Took a nap, just got up, and started crying again, spontaneously and about nothing. Then I realized hmm, I don't think I've refilled my prozac in a while, which means I've been off it for a month. You know, I'm on it ostensibly to handle the fibromyalgia pain, which I thought had just been bad because it's winter, so, I hurt and all. But I can't lie, it makes me MUCH more sane. Gotta call the drug store tomorrow and get that filled. This is retarded. I'm actually hiding from Jesse because seeing him will make me burst into tears. I don't know why, but it will. Bleh. I need to watch a really scary, non-sappy movie. Stat.
(Invention of Lying was really good, by the way. My only criticism is that there should have been more Stephen Merchant. I do love him.)

I haven't read LJ stuff in like, weeks. More than weeks. I'm a dick. I already said that.

Things have been insane. I was in some ridiculous fury over that check for too long. Whatever. The new one came today, so of course I can't deposit it till monday, so we'll see how that goes. Let's all hope it clears. Again, not a big deal but I'm in mid bathroom disaster and any little bit helps.
My bathroom is a MONSTER.
We started here:



Really fucking hideous, but serviceable, yes?

Now, we're here:





That last one is my contractor, andy. He wanted an action shot.
Yeah, it's a fucking hole into the center of hell. Apparently there were 96 disasters going on under the floor, including a leak that's oooh, probably about 40 years old. A window from the 50's UNDER the bathtub leaking freezing air onto our hot water heater, rotten beams under a load bearing wall, so on and so forth.
I'm currently throwing money at that smiling man to make this all go away.
On top of this, the LUNATIC previous owner solved every problem via burial. So, don't use a pipe anymore? Pinch it and bury it. Don't like that dent in the sheetrock? Don't take it down! Just bury it in MORE sheetrock. I probably had about 4" of extra sheetrock on the walls. This means twice the trash pulled out of there to dispose of. It also means MESS. What kind of mess? Well, I'm not really sure when I'll be able to move out of the apartment upstairs because when I'm downstairs for more than ten minutes my eyes begin to burn and water and my lungs totally lock up. This is WITH a mask on. Yeah. It's a situation. I cant conceive of my house ever being clean again. Oh, I'm also living up here with two spoiled cats who think it's their birthright to have an entire house to run around in all day. So there's that. It's very college dorm, and I hate it.

Tomorrow Andy takes the day off.
He's back the next day. He insists that next friday it'll be "on the finishing touches." Hmm. I dunno man. That sounds like I'm estimating the time and I'm notoriously awful at that.
So we're 2k over budget because of the floor issue.
And also, I talked to one glass person about the tub enclosure and they nonchalantly informed me that yeah, about 2 grand in cash, they don't take credit cards. Oh, OK FINE! That's just GREAT!
I'm like, beyond freaking out? I already had a little weepfest at my mom's over the whole thing. Stacey was trying to get an IV in me while jesse's im'ing me with all this news and my blood pressure just absolutely plummeted down to 85/50 so that was a no go and I just started to weep. I'm over it though. It'll be fine. Jesse says we'll be out of debt again by the end of the first quarter and I'm sure that's true. We're both working like animals and he's got good things coming down the pipeline. It's just scary. I haven't carried a balance since the whole debt payoff thing, so this is stressful. It's also temporary and I need to remember that. Besides, there's a beautiful bathroom at the end of this tunnel (I hope) and that's going to increase the value of the house a lot. It's all kinds of contributey. So, yeah.
Anyway, that's why I'm a dick.
I'm too distracted by the gaping hole in my house.

Also, I'm super happy because Anna from my book group got me a little xmas gift and that rules. Friends! Yay.
Happy New Year to you.

everyone's doing a year end thing. I don't feel like it. Not a formal one anyway.

I dunno, should I?

I'm really not feeling it. Maybe I'll read over the old entries and see if I do then, but not now, so, yeah. Wow, this was a ridiculously stupid update.

anti snack super hero of late. I am fighting HARD against the snacks. I'm staying in my points, and my weight is doing NOTHING. So, I'm weaning off my steriods. My breathing is getting worse, but I think I'd rather suffocate than be fat right now. I know, I'm not fat, and it's like just all the time I'm spending around my sister, but goddamnit I want to be back where I was before this last high dose bout. This is the only way. I just have to. I'm becoming seriously upset about it, and I have enough other shit to be actually upset about. Like my HUGE FUCKING CREDIT CARD BILL that I can't pay off until checks that will never come in arrive.

Money is seriously stupid.

I've been working for days on my sister's wedding photos. It's exhausting. My eyes are all wonky from staring at the screen like this.

I LOVE this snowstorm. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. It's just coming down and down and down. Looks like the tail end is in philly right now, so there's still more to come. So long as it doesn't interfere with presents monday, it's all good.

I'm really tired. I wonder if I"ll be able to hear the snow fall when we sleep. I hope so. It's a good sound.

WRITTEN TO THE WRONG FUCKING PERSON.

I can't even speak.

it's been a few days and I'm calmer. In the end, neither of these people is worth me being particularly angry.

With her, there's nothing to be done. She's spend the past 5 years being told what to eat, where to live and even what sports team to like, and thought that was a good decision. (I'm not exaggerating there. He's proud that he did that to her and she thought it was great.)
With him? He's 35 and going nowhere. Lots of dreams and no follow through. Is this worth my going ape? No. Also, she lost her job. She offered to quit on Thursday so Jesse thought that was just fine. She was overpaid for a secretary, and in the end, it'll benefit us to start from scratch. Plus, maybe we can get someone who's actually able to help with real work instead of spending all day doing a whole lot of not much.

Just a warning, I'm going through transcripts of IMS and occasionally posting them on here. They'll be LJ cut. It's to make me 100% positive that this is as good as I think it is.

I'm waiting for the snow. They're saying 1 to 2 feet. I haven't seen snow like that in YEARS. That's seriously little kid level snow. The best part is that last night I realized that for the rest of my life, when that happens, I'll be snowed in with Jesse. I realize that's supposed to be obvious, but, as I mentioned, I haven't been snowed in for a long time. I think my last snowed in event was with Sean. It was a dating snowed in. In a dating snowed in, you hear the snow is coming, you make plans in advance where you'll be snowed in, who's house. It's kind of fun, but it's that temporary fun where you feel time passing and every minutes means one minute closer to the end of the snow day.
This is married snowed in. You shop the day before and you load up the fridge. You make sure there's fuel and you just hunker down. You might be there for weeks, but it's ok. Whatever happens, power outage, whatever, you'll figure it out and every minute that passes is building something, not chipping away.
It's really excellent.
I love it.

This is what the fuckface just sent now:

It is coming. It always was coming just a question of when. Please do not contact me again. Thank you.

Sent via marcphone.


So, yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Ok. So, comments?

So, the asshat that was grossly flirting with me? I finally told him to can it, and to can being nasty about his ex to me because it was just awful. I told him I didn't want to be in the middle of whatever bullshit was going on between he and his ex because clearly one of them was lying and/or delusional and honestly, I'm not interested in the drama.
So then there's radio silence.
Then today, I get this email.

Florence,

I heard back from Yehudith’s assistant and she said the check had been held, however I asked Yehudith directly and she said it was cut, signed and will go in the mail tomorrow.
As I mentioned before, I did do everything I could to be 1) upfront about they payment terms 2) get you paid as timely as possible, however, I also mentioned that whether or not you get paid is completely out of my control.

Best regards,
Marc

I write this back:
Pardon?
Are you saying that the check is not coming, or that it is coming? And are you saying that you felt at any time that there was the possibility of my not being paid at all?


Also, he's now blocking me on aim. FUCKING ASSHOLE.

So, right now, I'm just a bucket of rage. If/when I do get paid, I may attempt to exact my revenge. Who's with me?

has anyone here ever done online therapy? Anyone know if oxford covers it?

I've got the serious grims. It's just, I dunno. Everything feels a LOT tougher than it probably is.
Every pill I take makes me want to cry. Every noise out of my lung. Every mention of this wedding. Every mention of my brother's wedding. Every creek from the kitchen floor. Every piece of laundry I have to fold. It's all tiny. It's all stupid. It's all bringing me *right* to the edge of tears. I feel poor and anxious and terrified and I'm pretty sure it's depression and not life.
The thing is, I don't want to start up with real therapy again. It's been a year. I don't want to drive there and back. I'm willing to skype therapy or whatever. I'll call oxford I guess. Christ. Maybe this will pass after the wedding? I don't know. I just have this deep sense of unhappiness and in the past that's a telltale sign of "florence needs therapy."
Bleh.
Blurgh.
Maybe I just miss mad men a lot. Who knows.

My wii fit came today.
I feel too shitbomb to get on it.
So there's that.

the other day, but my app crashed and I lost it, which is lame.

Nothing is going on, I'm just furious all the time, which has to stop. It's my writing work that's mostly pissing me off. The guy I do most of my work for is an irresponsible ass who doesn't help at ALL, and blames his staff when he fucks up. It's not cool. Plus, he owes me a LOT of money at this point, and that always enrages a person. I get just about no joy out of the writing work. Just the pay, which, you know, is fine and all, I suppose. It would probably be asking too much to get paid well AND enjoy it, but it would be nice.

I just did another photo gig. I like that because no matter how lame the gig is, I can always squeeze in one or two shots that I like just for me as a souvenir. Plus, support for the idea that buying the camera wasn't an idiotic thing to do is really nice. My camera has done a good deal of earning in the past couple of months. It's making it ok to get the couple of lenses I got this week, half of which were paid for by my mom so I can use them at noodle's wedding. Well, not paid for, we're just deducting it from future debts. Jew math, you know.

the wedding is soon. a couple of weeks. on a good note, the dress i got looks really nice, even if my haircut looks retarded with a vintage dress. i don't care. i'm just going to have the edgy hipster hair with a vintage dress. i don't think the fashion police will be there.
i really need to make a concerted effort to not feel so inferior around my sister. it makes every interaction seriously fucking awkward. i'm always so concerned about appearing uncool that i'm just weird and uncomfortable and it's not helping. it's also, i'm aware, not normal. last night i realized that no matter how uncool i actually am, she's still my sister and she can't *really* dump me, at least as long as my folks are alive. she'll have to encounter me periodically. i know this sounds insane. i can't help it.
i don't know. i'm just going to try to be comfortable and me. if i'm uncool, so be it. i'm 34 years old and i'm not changing at this point. she's 24. i'm really really hoping that when she hits 25 she undergoes the magical change that i did and she suddenly becomes more mellow, less judgy, less caring about lots of superficial things that make other people feel "out." i know, that doesn't sound like me, but BEFORE i was 25? oy.

tomorrow is stabbing, again. we tried last week and it failed. i knew it would. i had zero faith that we'd get a vein. tomorrow we have to though. i can't be too late during flu season when i'm going to be in a huge room filled with strangers. it's not ok.
my mom had better not start in with how amazingly thin noodle is. now that i know it's a combo of puking and starving between eating normally, i don't want to hear that shit. considering she does that, and our family's genetics, i look pretty fucking awesome.

fred is in my way right now and doesn't care. fred remains the bomb.

i need to start the construction on my house and soon, or i will lose my mind.

we went to the grownup for hire the other day.
i'm now the beneficiary of jesse's life insurance. he started telling us about what was covered and when and i almost started crying right there in the office. i CANNOT discuss things happening to him, i just can't. also, there's not a policy in the world that will cover the amount of therapy i'll need if something does happen.

when we got home i did the research and printed out the forms for the domestic partnership. we're going to file in march for our anniversary. it's just a thing you bring to some office and show them the proof and that's it. you're partners. yay. Then when people ask what we are I can say we're "unmarried adults who are not related to the each other by blood in a manner that would bar marriage under applicable state laws, and who reside with the each other in a continuous relationship of indefinite duration in which they have responsibility for each other's welfare and financial well-being."
How romantic.

I'm not bleh, actually, just reality is, but that's enough, no?

So, Jesse is working like a dog, still. He's working more than I've ever seen a person work. So far he's not cracking and I've been able to shove calories into him. He's not *too* bad though he snapped for a moment the other day. He quickly recovered, which is good. I'm hoping tomorrow *** gives him a huge check. And, I mean HUGE. The guy owes him over 5k and owes me over 3600. We NEED to get the bathroom done. NEED. It's too f'n cold in the hallway to deal with showering up there. Then we're doing the bedroom and then the kitchen. We also have to winterize the attic seal. And the basement. Blurg. It's just constant. I have another big check coming from Marc for the *** MD work I did. I should be getting a fair amount for houses this month, and the next sax check will also be much larger. This freelance thing is lucrative, but weirdly. As in, hey, I'm doing a LOT of work, wonder when I'll actually get PAID for it? See, bleh.

Speaking of Marc, he finally snapped and dumped Bonnie. She's not telling anyone because she thinks she can win him back before he has to change his FB status (which he's informed her he'll wait on until she's ready or till he meets someone, whichever comes first.) Yes, that's right, i'm 34 and STILL somehow in high school! The main problem here is I'm still irritated with her for fucking up massive amounts of work leading to extra stuff for me and jesse to do AND her leaving food debris and dirty dishes in her office which happens to be MY HOUSE. And now, with this breakup, it's just fucking awkward and weird and the thing is in order for me to get to shower, I currently have to go through her office because the second bathroom is up there. So, I've been avoiding morning showers and just flat ironing my hair. Tomorrow I have to deal though, I just do. My hair is gross and it just never looks good with night before showering. I don't know how people do it. I need a cloak of invisibility. I really do. I'm really awful with people. Or, no, I'm not, but when people have issues that I consider bullshit, I'm really bad with them. It's odd. Marc uses me as a sounding board and gives me the daily Bonnie report, which includes a moment by moment breakdown of her slowly spiraling insanity that kind of freaks me out. Wahhh.

I'm reading a LOT. Like, devouring books. It's like I just realized they were out there again. It's odd. I'm really enjoying most of them (though there's a really jarring error in the strain and I'm *this* close to writing a letter to Guillermo Del Toro to tell him that while I LOVE his every thought and creation, thus far, this error is killing me and I beg of him to revise it for future editions.)
It's making the writing portion of my brain itch a little and I think I might work on my novel a bit. I'm feeling writey for the first time in months and months and that's kind of nice. The photography bug is still here, but it's winter and I'm feeling like accomplishing art without having to leave my blankets.

Something has gotten into fred. He's nearly convinced me that I have a cancer I don't know about. He's SO snuggly. He's like, teddy bear level snuggly. I can't play a game of bejeweled without him hopping on my lap. He lies on his back purring like he's some other non-curmudgeonly kitten that I have not had the pleasure to meet. I'm wondering if he's trying to butter me up so I won't give him his frontline. Every time he hops up on me I think about trying it, but he's almost smiling, and purring and his big belly is all exposed and trusting and I don't want to ruin it. Now that I write it down, I'm SURE that's what he's doing. He's a crafty kitten.

Colin continues to be on a crack attack. Every night I make sure her toys are in the atrium, particularly her squirrel (which magically appears next to my bed every morning,) so that maybe she'll stay occupied if she wakes up and leave us alone. Every night I'm lying down for no more than ten minutes when she's licking my face so hard I'm not sure I'm not bleeding. I've looked up all the licking and between that and the sucking, I really think she was taken from her mom when she was way too young. She shows all the signs, and apparently, I'm now her mom. If she's awake, and not having a crack attack, she's following me, EVERYWHERE. Everything I do is utterly amazing. God help me if I wash dishes without her. She loses her mind. She comes tearing in from whatever corner of the house she was occupying and slides across the kitchen floor and then leaps up on the counter to fredvestigate the sink. Then, she shoves into me until I kiss her on the head. Everything water related is AMAZING. Washing dishes, showering (the other day I was rinsing shampoo out and a cold clammy monster hand grabbed my thigh. Oh, wait, no, that was just colin pushing the shower curtain onto me. Silly me, a heart attack and screaming for nothing!), even going to the bathroom. I'm a private toilet person, so I really don't enjoy sharing the seat. She squeezes in behind me on the seat like she's going to go for a piggy back ride. The other day I found her almost completely inside the bowl. Lids down now, it's the only way.
I wonder what she'll be like as a cat. She's only 6 months, I'm SURE xmas will be hell, but she's got to grow up a bit soon, right?

My mom and I had a fight on the phone the other day about absolutely nothing. She calls and immediately starts picking on me, and then bothering me with what basically amounts to nonsense and then goes on and on about noodles wedding, and then starts picking on the fact that we haven't redone the kitchen yet (because we just have 20k lying around, don't you?) and I finally just snapped a bit and she says "why are you so angry?" Um, I dunno, you just called seemingly to pick a fight with me, why would I be? She hung up on me at that point, leaving me fuming. I didn't speak to her all weekend. Tomorrow I'll call my dad at work and see if she's sane yet. I KNOW this wedding is apparently the most important thing in her universe, but I really need her to understand that I'm working a LOT, jesse's working a LOT, we're under stress and unlike her other kids, I don't just borrow money to solve my issues. For christ's sake, my brother "borrowed" $1200 so far this month and she's not going to be seeing that, trust me. She owes ME $500 and I don't say anything. But, no, mom, I can't just redo the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom on a whim. GRRRR.

Here's fred, I should likely stop typing because he gets what he wants and what he wants isn't me looking at the weird lighted rectangle. I, for one, welcome our new super snuggly kitten overlords.

Finally saw Zombieland.
Whew! It did not suck like I was SO afraid it would. Excellent cameo, very pretty overall. Woody Harrelson, I do not know what to do with you, you're a hot bald redneck, and yet, you are not pushing all the buttons in the proper sequence. You need to hang out with Jason Statham and learn to do that.
Also, who thought Michael Cera would be the guy to copy? It's weird. I wasn't totally irritated that they didn't just ask michael cera to do it, plus I'm sure he's too busy, and maybe it's nice that there will be a whole new crop of awkard boy heroes? I dunno.
That chick is adorable and sunshine girl is growing up to be a human, it's crazy!
Overall, thumbs up.
Also, the M*A*S*H* thing was weird, but not too distracting.