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So, TODAY

is when the hemorrhaging stops. Financially. For real. I swear. Today I get Eva back from the shop. She was due for her first service and I ok'd them taking the nut dent out of the door and rotating the tires. She's a 2010 and I've never even given her an OIL CHANGE. She asks for nothing and she brings home ikea desks on her roof and 8 foot ladders in her boot. She deserves some pampering, so I did. Yeah, I said nut dent. Fucking fist sized nuts fall from like, 50 feet up in the air, and you get nut dents in your car. We've got to consider building a car port. So I'll pay that and THEN I can start repaying debt. I have a $75 gig on Friday and a $50 one and **T SHOULD pay soon, so, yeah. The office is busy, but fucking NO ONE PAYS THEIR BILLS, so there's over 40k in accounts receivable and we're closing in on 2k of that being mine. That big project continues too, so there will only be more income coming from that.
I worry about money incessantly. I need to stop. I'm trying. I'm trying my best.

Just when I think nope, he's dead. He's just gone, my little carnivorous tank salamander appears. He came to the surface last night, and was wiggling about. My best guess is that the little guy is living on puddles and bugs he steals off the plants. There's always a decent supply of fruit flies, etc. Regular house bugs that no one thinks they have, but you totally do, and when you get a sundew you REALLY notice them. I haven't dug him up any food in ages, and he lives on, so that's my best guess. Though I DID dump a ton of worms in there in the fall, and he may be living off their offspring as well. I'll see about picking him up some tiny tiny crickets when I get eva back. I tried to show him to jesse, but, of course, right when jesse finally came in, he disappeared under the white leaf cape.

Monday I'm going to see Dr. S to take care of the old lungs. Then I'll make that sonogram appointment that I'm almost 6 months late for. Then I'll make an appointment for Dr. B, and THEN I'll be somewhat caught up with human body maintenance. I'm trying to be responsible. I really am. I'm back to sleeping 8 hours. That's not bad. That seems more sane. When you need 10-12 hours every night, you're doing WAY too much.

A couple of months to go, and I'll be back in Vieques. Rock.

So, 2012

is here. Stop calling it two thousand twelve, too. You didn't call it nineteen hundred ninety nine, did you? Yeah, I'm an ass, suuuure.

So, in 2012 I don't want to do ANY GODDAMNED CONSTRUCTION ON MY HOUSE. I'm ok with painting, or you know, putting up molding or whatever, but NO NEW WALLS, no walls coming down, nothing like that. This past year just destroyed my soul, and maybe my lungs, and definitely my bank account.
My happy note is that J and I never had a fight over any of it.

If we don't find a salesman soon, I'm going to lose my mind. MUST find one.

I have no alternative now, I HAVE to go to the doctors and I have to do some writing. There's really no excuse left for me not to do these things. It's how it is, I suppose.

I'm doing alright. Our staff are our friends and I like it. They're all lovely folks. I feel a little lost and confused now that this project is over. When you focus so intently on something for so long, it's weird not to have it anymore. I wish I could force the office to move ahead, but I can't.

Rappa says the app is almost done. Then we'll have the launch party, which will be fun, and that should be the start of the next phase for GB. That'll be a big deal. There's lots of possible big deals. Lots of hopes. This year?

I want to be comfortable.

I'll be going to Vieques in march and I want to look at real estate there. Not like I can get anything, but I want to you know, just peek?

I want to go here: http://theraptortrust.org/ and I want to touch an owl.

I want us to be able to get that jellyfish tank.

I want jesse to be able to work from home at least 3 days a week.

I'd like to not have to be hospitalized at all. Is that a given? Probably.

I think that's an attainable list.

So lets have at it, 2012, I'm ready.

So, we survived

xmas. Xmas eve was fantabulous. Xmas was ok. J's fam just boggle my mind. How can anyone even keep track of that many grudges is beyond me, but, whatever. The house should be done on Wednesdayish? I feel like finishing touches may drag into the next millennium, but there will be carpet in the bedroom and I can put the furniture in there and we can sleep NOT on the floor, so, that's done enough for me.
I'm happy to be able to put 2011 down like a sick animal this week, so we can enjoy what I've declared to be 2012, year of the AWESOME. anyone know a sales person? or someone who WANTS to be a sales person? because having one of THOSE would greatly help the year of the awesome commence.

I've had a sore throat for 6 weeks now, which is a new record, but I've finally convinced myself that I don't have throat cancer, which is good. It's suspiciously better when I sleep near the air filter which says to me that my house is just INSANELY filed with construction dust and that bartering for at least one deep cleaning with Teresa wouldn't be a poor use of my accounts receivables. $200 to have someone clean just destroys my soul, but at the same time, the house is SO FUCKING DUSTY and I can't do it all myself, not even with Jesse and it's not like I have to lay it out, I already did the work. I should consider it a health expense or something, right? yeah, that's what I think. sure.

ok, and my resolution this year? more LJ. Get back to it. Stop being a dick on many fronts. And allow myself to use Palahniuk's evil tricks.

Thanksgiving

No shit, man. That family is a fucking nest of vipers. My family may be annoying at times, but at least they actually know other people exist on earth and have actual feelings. FUCK YOU PEOPLE. Gah, seriously.

On a kitchen note, not done just yet, but we can totally have people over now. And billy even wants a website, so he'll do the bedroom repair on barter! AND I found carpet on barter and billy says he can install it! So, that's all good. I now come home to a house I can cook in, that's pretty and us. That's all one can ask for.

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I'm not kidding

one of my contractors FELL OFF OF THE EARTH today. He just disappeared. At least Billy is here working even though it's going to go over, like usual, but whatever. Le Sigh.
There is the hope that tomorrow will bring major progress to the kitchen. Both billy and the contractors will be here. That means that, in theory, all of the windows should be in, and the last of the destruction should be done. Some drywall might even go up, and insulation. I absolutely refuse to use the heat in the house when I can see daylight through the walls. That's just a no go. Also, rooms just look better when you can't see all the studs. Some kind of progress WILL happen. In my wildest dreams, the floor of the bedroom is addressed too, but that might just be me being absolutely insane. I'm like that.

Something else positive. I got a haircut. My hair is no longer obese. That's nice. I'm back on WW for the winter and I'm down over 2lbs. That's nice too.

Kids today fun fact: people no longer mandatorily get AIDS tested every so often when they're single. What's up with THAT? Jesse and I did that about a week into our relationship. It was the fun "we're gonna be monogamous" trip to the clinic. Kids don't do that now? Weird.

Bleh. Going to have my salad now.
Focus on march. There will be Puerto Rico in march.

So, hmm...

Still no kitchen, and no bedroom. How long has it been? I gotta tell you, I have no idea. It's like this has become normal now.
Still nothing from insurance. Well, I mean, there was the rejection, but nothing after that. We've appealed with the state, but, you know, come on.
We're supposed to be getting an attorney. That always makes things better, doesn't it?

Also, now the roof is rotten over the kitchen, which, at this point, sure, fine. I'm sure it is. By the time this project is over, there won't be one original stick of wood in this house. How many times have we heard "money pit?" lots. LOTS. But really, what do you do? Do you just abandon ship or do you fix everything, resign yourself to staying in the house for ten years. Hope? I dunno. We fix it as we go. That's what we do. There's no other choice really. This is a lot like junior high, except instead of "it'll be better in college" it's "it'll be gorgeous when it's done." Bob's closet is halfway gone. It's funny how much space that added to the kitchen. It really will be quite large. Billy has to come on Thursday at 730 in the morning, so yeah. He's doing electrical work in the kitchen and then repairing the floor in the bedroom. If he can do that in one day, I'll be over the moon. If he can repair the floor in the bedroom, then we can get (hopefully) archie in there to sheetrock and spackle for a cheap rate. We'll have to get billy back in there to put in the high hats. I wonder if he hangs wallpaper? I think maybe wallpaper in there. It's funny, you get to a point where you're SO in debt and you've spent SO much money that you're just willing to spend more if it'll at least make the pain stop. If somehow, I could have the bedroom done AND the kitchen done? Wow. That would just be. wow. Right now, the bedroom has no carpet, it's raw studs with nails sticking out. our clothes live in piles on the floor because there's no furniture aside from the bed and the closet is blocked by kitchen crap.
the kitchen is an empty shell. all studs and plywood. Now 3 new windows are in and the new door. one new window to go and one more round of demo before it can really be rebuilt.
I fear we're killing my contractor. He's a REALLY nice guy. His partner is nice too, but in a friendly regular way. The main guy is nice in a reformed jock way. Apparently he was a jock in high school and a power lifter afterward. Peer pressure made him pretend not to like school, though he really did like learning. He was a secret science geek, but was too embarrassed to stick with it. Now he's a contractor with 6 herniated disks, 4 kids, a sick wife and an addiction to self education. He loves quantum physics and chemistry. He's very chatty and works from 5am to 12am most days. He's a terrible character for a book, because really, who would buy that? He's also very good looking and has excellent taste in music. He's too Charlene Harris like to actually exist, but he does and he's doing a great job on the house but when he found out about the roof damage he just looked utterly defeated. I felt bad about it. It's not my fault, but there it is. I'm so glad jesse's job is basically pushing buttons all day. I'm sorry, but george jetson is going to live longer than fred flintstone. He just is. Also, his wife has RA and I can't imagine dealing with that, and 4 kids, AND having my husband out working that long. I'd lose my fucking mind. I went into the office today because I miss jesse being at home. His wife stopped by the other day, but you could tell it was weird, and at least at the office I'm working sort of. Really, I'm a horrible distraction. I'm way too chatty with the staff, it's bad. But we're all really friendly, I can't help it. And I DO get work done. I try not to distract anyone working on a big project. That's my rule. Also, I try to remember that guys REALLY can't multitask in the same way chicks can. It's just a different way of working. I'm sure there are some guys out there who can do it super well, I just haven't met those guys.

Physically, I'm a mess. I don't feel like discussing it really. It's boring and stupid and completely stress related I'm sure and that's how that is.

Sunday, we're going to comicon in a limo (barter funds, people, if only it were cash!) and I'm pretty excited about that because a) the limo means minimal energy expenditure before I get to the event and b) we need a fucking BREAK. I even told billy he can't come do work on the house sunday because we are taking a day off. I think that's important. Stress makes me sick. Last night I was literally screaming in my sleep. You know what that means? It means jesse is lying next to someone SCREAMING IN THEIR SLEEP so clearly, HE'S not sleeping. Also, he's not eating. His skin is getting loose and it's upsetting.
Bleh on this project. BLEH on the world. We need a salesperson. I'm utterly convinced that if we had one, this ship would turn around. Where is this sales person? Grrrr.

Surprising revelation leads to cancer cure

Surprising revelation leads to cancer cure

New York- A monumental discovery in the fight against cancer was revealed today by leading oncology researchers, and the news has rocked the scientific community to its core. A Facebook meme, started by a Rhode Island mother named Martha Stoat, has, it seems, completely cured most, if not all forms of cancer.

According to Dr. John Pilsh, Chief of Oncology at Columbia State University, “the answer was there all along, but it seems only Mrs. Stoat was brave enough to do the ‘uncool’ thing, and find it.”

Mrs. Stoat, a stay-at-home mother of 3, says that she was tending her Farmville crops when the idea occurred to her. “The thing is, no one seems to think much about cancer, or care,” says Stoat. “It’s like they’re completely unaware that people even get cancer, and that’s a real shame.”

This unique idea of “cancer awareness” stuck with Mrs. Stoat, until, last week, she decided to act upon it. “I thought to myself, hey, maybe I’ll get people talking on Facebook! It works for my farm, maybe it’ll cure cancer too!” related Stoat. And with that idea, a meme was born. Stoat posted the following to her news feed, and waited:

We all want a new car, a new phone. A person who has cancer only wants one thing… to survive. I know that a lot of you "who think you're too cool" probably won't re-post this. But a very little amount of my friends will. Put this on your wall in honor of someone who died of cancer, survived, or who is fighting against it now.

“I didn’t expect much to happen, what with the weird page changes lately. It just seems to be eating up everything,” said Stoat, referring to Facebook’s new site layout, also launched this past week. “But then my friend Mary clicked that little “share” button and it seemed like everyone started to realize that hey, there’s a disease out there called cancer and it’s hurting people!”

Shortly after the meme began to spread, reports came in from across the country of spontaneous remission and drops in positive biopsy results. Oncology Chief Pilsh had no definitive, scientific explanation for the phenomenon. “It’s pretty much a miracle,” related Pilsh, from his New York office. “It looks like all this time we were fighting a disease with radiation and chemotherapy, when what we needed to be doing was looking within ourselves and trying to heal it with love and compassion.”

As I thought...

Denied by insurance co. We're going to appeal, and maybe go to arbitration, but as it stands, we have to proceed as though we're getting nothing. I'd already had my meltdown, so there's not much left. On top of it, I'm totally sick, likely it's a mild flu. I'm exhausted. I've taken the week off, though I have a work thing Friday night which blows. But, now that I'm poor forever, work things that blow will be the norm. I would like to have a bake sale to cover this. In my mind, that's sane, heh.
I've moved almost all of the Attic upstairs. That, at least, is a good thing. There's way more room for me up there and it's my own little office. I have tv and Internet and even the futon. Guests can still crash too. So thats something. It'll be better once our bedroom stuff isn't in there. Because, of course, that room is gutted too. I moved plants upstairs to be near me. The worst part is really that every time I go up and down the stairs, I have to take 5 minutes or so to catch my breath. I don't love that at all. I've promised myself that once the kitchen is back, my lungs will magically be better. I hope I'm not lying.
Jesse, as always, rules. He's not mopey or grouchy or angry. Just bummed, but pleasant about it. He is a miracle.
Fucking lungs really, really hurt.
I need to sell more photos, more writing, more everything. Money buys everything.

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A whole new weird.

Wow. There's a lj app for iPad now, so I can be back in the loop. Insane.
So, today I had some kind of really quiet, really severe breakdown. My mom almost took me to the ER. I called the insurance company and was pretty much told that the kitchen isn't covered, so yeah. Final "fuck off" should come sometime next week. Whatever happened, now my face feels like I had a chemical peel. It's not red anymore (for a bit, I went WHITE and then scarlet in splotches,) but man, it burns. I won't be surprised if it peels. I don't understand why we're SO unlucky. It's just beyond unfair. I also wish mil would even ASK HOW WE ARE. Not like help is an option, but, fuck. So, yeah. That paid off the credit card joy? That's gone. I'm now a permanent resident of debtville. Fuck me.

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