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So. yeah. It happened again.

J's best friend and his girl came over yesterday and did this goofy, get J and florence to look at her finger way of telling us they'd gotten engaged. A) we're both retarded, so we didn't understand what they were doing, and B) the surprise had already been ruined by Nick who told Lynn earlier in the week and then she asked me if it was true, so even though I knew, I STILL didn't get the "oh, I think there's something on your glasses, let me put my finger RIGHT IN YOUR FACE" trick.
I swear, I'm a complete idiot.
Furthering my idiocy? I got all upset and started crying after they left. Immediately reduced into my weepy lame ass "woe is me, I never got to do the princess engagement moment and I never will and it's not fair and boo hoo hoo bullshit." At that point, I get so enraged at myself for having even an inkling of that response that it's just this self defeating cycle of awful and well, you can imagine the night didn't end on a particularly snuggly note. I don't know why I'm obsessed with this idea of "real." I never feel real. I'm not a real writer, i'm not a real photographer, I'm not really married, it's not really my house. Central to the core of my being is this strange and alienating sensation of being a complete and utter fraud. I manage alright most of the time and then a friend gets engaged, or someone says, oh, you've been together for ten years but how long have you been MARRIED? (because, you know, the previous ten years DON'T COUNT, right? Nope, not at all.
You know what, giddy newlywed with a sparkly diamond band, how about you come to me after your new spouse has to help you on a commode and THEN see if you're as snuggly and happy and J and I are. How about, if you can't get through THAT shit. or, you know, your fucking house exploding in sewage and having NONE of it covered by insurance, things like that, and having NEVER even BICKERED about it, THEN you come to me and tell me that I'm not REALLY with J and that we can't REALLY understand what it's like until we get to sign a paper that validates my life. How about that?
See how rational I am there? See how in the daytime I can say "wow, that's really stupid. J and I are as real as anyone else and just because he never asked me doesn't mean he's not committed and just because I don't have a ring doesn't mean a goddamned thing either, and honestly, I'd rather pay for our kitchen and even a TV for the bedroom than a ring which speaks only to others and not to me," but at night, when there's just me and my thoughts and the whatifs crawl inside my ear, well, then it's a disaster. I'm an asshole, and I'm small, and petty and ugly. I hate it. I hate that aspect of myself. I want to be the kind of person who doesn't give a shit, but somewhere deep inside is a moron who pretended to be a princess as a kid. Stupid princesses! Fuck those princesses. They're awful, awful role models. My life is, on the whole, magnificent, and yet I have this hole in my heart and it's just rotten. There's literally nothing short of becoming psychotically wealthy that can fix it, and well, yeah. I dunno. I don't want to know. I just needed to spew some venom here.
Oh and ghoulgurl, this literally has NOTHING to do with your deal. I was 100% happy about that. Possibly because it was just, done. No sparkly magical princess times, just we've put in the time, we're signing on the line. Actually, same deal with larksong. Which, I suppose, means it's not really marriage that eats at me, it's engagement. Which, WHY? Why do I give a flying fuck? I don't know. It's been like this forever. Ever since I realized that marriage was off the table for me, legally, for some reason, engagements have made me go apeshit. Not marriages though. WTF? I REFUSE to go back to therapy over this. I really do. Besides, there's pretty much no one left in my life to get engaged anyway. I mean, my brother will, probably in the next year, and that'll suck. But after that? I can't think of anyone else. We have a while before office staff gets there (if they have brain 1 in their heads) and that should be that. Gah. I need someone to sit and listen to me have an utterly apocalyptic weepy meltdown over this and then maybe I'll get past it. When you just talk to yourself, you only make it worse. Ok, That's enough of that. I'm officially ending this absolute bullshit. It's idiotic and I'm not having it. NOT HAVING IT.

Also, we submitted the app the other night. If it's accepted, this could be it. Step one on the other side of the hump. We've got more coming down the pipeline and things are looking good. If I don't ruin it with my utter idiocy, all the better.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 15th, 2012 07:02 pm (UTC)
I grok the whole pretty princess engagement thing.
When Peter and I got engaged, he bought me a ring, but didn't give it to me until about 2 weeks before we got married - I basically forced him to let me have it. I wanted the year long engagement and people making a big deal about me. But also, I felt weird about it and like nobody would actually make a big deal, etc.
I don't know, I get it though. There is something horribly irritating about engaged women. I think my jealousy and irritation about it, was very similar to the way I felt when I miscarried and I felt like I saw smug pregnant ladies every where I went.
Jan. 15th, 2012 11:03 pm (UTC)
I did the "omg engaged" bit once and it didn't work. I'm no princess and a ring was really a leash in that instance. I'm sorry you can't have the big princess party and all that fuss, most of my social hangout group has been male for the past 10 years and they can't do princess parties. Heaven knows they try, my best friend offered to host a late bridal shower/keg party when/if I eloped and that's probably the most touching thing I can expect from them.

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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